Brick wall

I didn’t know. I had no idea. I was clueless. It was me. It was all me, I changed, I became distant, I turned into a heartless mortal. I didn’t care about your feelings, I thought you were the one who’s beings selfish, that you were trying to push me away, that you changed. I was so wrong, it was me. I pushed you away, I shouted at you, I made an indestructible wall around me, I shut you out. I didn’t listen, I never fucking listen, I only listen to myself. I forgot about you, I forgot that it was supposed to be the two of us, that we’re supposed to be strong together, not outgrow each other.

 

I was so stupid to neglect your feelings, to flip everything on you, to blame you for my unreasonable behaviour, you changed because I changed, I made you the person I hate and despise. I am the culprit, I was rotten inside and I needed someone to take the fall, so I turned my back on you. My black heart. My cruel heart.

Dear Past

Six years ago;

Someday, your sin is going to bite you right up your ass, your betrayal will be written down on karma’s list, I will have the sweetest revenge and there will be no mercy, yes, there will be blood, there will be tears, there will be misery, but not mercy nor forgiveness. I will take my pound of flesh and more. You will never be happy, I will be the dark shadow lurking behind you, I will be your downfall, the villain in your story, the evil incarnate. I will destroy you. Karma will.

 

 

 

 

Today;

 

I feel sorry for you, I wish I could do something to make it less miserable. I’ve forgiven you, something I never thought I’d be able to do, but I did, and I’m sincere, more than sincere. I hope you’d find solace in my words. I gave you a chance. I hope the world could do the same for you.

 

Fragmented

Hope ruins people. It ruined me. Hope deliberately betrayed my perspective which I tried so hard to create, it’s like standing on the edge of failure clinging desperately only to be pushed by reality, living through each day hoping and praying that everything would change, that it would make sense, that one morning I’d wake up to a better sight of the world, a world which is less painful, less frustrating, less cruel, a world that doesn’t closely resemble misery.

 

But every morning is not a start, it’s not a beginning, not a chance, not a blessing, it is yet another part of an endless cycle of decimation, a continuous struggle for change. Hope means weakness. Hope means defeat. Hope is an evil form of profound devotion. Hope is a lie, a fabricated excuse for deliverance. Hope destroys people. It destroyed me.

Oblivion

 

 

It rained today. It was melancholy. It actually felt like home for a moment, I felt deficient, my sadness poured all over me, like a sad song, like a pensive touch, like a lonely echo of isolation. I didn’t find solace as the frigid wind touched my veneer existence, it was something too stale I didn’t even flinch.

I walked through the crowd like a dormant entity, I stopped between sobs of defeat, I didn’t feel anything. I hate the rain, it makes me remember memories, memories that are now sheltered away. I don’t want to cry today.

Star-crossed Lovers

Serenity: I felt a sudden moment of solace when you kissed me, the world crumbled below my defiance, my nerves jolted , my universe lost its course.

When you pulled me in, I felt another version of the world, I felt a different kind of defeat, something that I’ll never be able to reminisce, too terrifying, too wretched.

I’ll take a step away from you, until this feeling turn into a dull persistent ache, and maybe in another life, we could have a chance, we could happen, but until then, I need to get away from this madness…from you.

Hunch

Tommy was oddly happy today, there was something peculiar about the way he grabbed his jacket, or the way he shuffled through his things, or the reluctant glances he so desperately tried to hide when I came barging in the room. He looked very different, his eyes were gleaming with hope and liberation, youth was written all over his face, he smelled so sweet and seductive, like wild roses on a summer day, like floating stardust drifting on an endless firmament. I was in awe.

“Oh, honey, you’re up early, I was just getting ready for work” He said plainly, tucking his jacket in his arms.
“Work? On a Sunday?” I calmly asked, biting my lip as my voice turned raspy and weak.
He quickly gave me a peck on the cheek, “Something came up, I’ll tell you when I get back. Don’t wait up Okay?”
I watched him as he hurried his pace out the door. My eyes burning with disgust and contempt. I know damn well where this lying-cheating-shallow of a man is going.

Luckless Romance

Luckless Romance.

 

Back in early December last year, I thought it would be just a normal day. I prepped for work, got my stuff ready and took a jeepney to the terminal. On my way to the terminal, I saw you for the first time. Right at that moment, I thought to myself: you were the most beautiful thing my eyes have seen in ages. I looked at you as if I owned that moment. I couldn’t help it, maybe because I knew that it would be the last time I would lay my eyes on your beautiful face. As soon as we reached the terminal, I got off the vehicle and went straight to where the buses were parked, got on one, and waited for more passengers to come. I was in one of the back seats, looking out the glass window; thinking about how my day would go. Typical bus ride…until I saw you again, entering the vehicle with a friend whom I’ve known from Facebook. I found it kind of weird since I was just thinking about you and you suddenly just popped out of nowhere. Destiny must’ve been laughing at me at that time. I savored every second while my eyes feasted on your face, wondering if I could find you if I searched for you on Facebook. But I didn’t have the courage to do it at that time, so I told myself, I would let it go.

Two days after, one of our mutual friends’ posts appeared on my Feed, and you suddenly crossed my mind. So then I tried searching you on his friends list and, damn, it wasn’t easy. He has thousands of friends! Naturally, I grew tired, but just as I was about to give up, I saw a thumbnail image of a guy who looked like you. I clicked on it, browsed through the photos and said to myself, “This is the fucking guy I’ve been looking for.” I didn’t add you right away as I still couldn’t pluck up the courage to do so. Instead, I Liked all your photos, in the hope of making you notice me at least. After two days, you liked all my photos back. That’s when I was finally able to send you a friend request – which you accepted in a matter of seconds. I messaged you with a Like symbol. You replied the same, but with a follow-up question asking me if I know you, and how I was able to find you. I didn’t know what to say or how I would respond! I couldn’t admit to you that I stalked you – you might’ve freaked out or something. Before I could come up with an excuse though, you asked if I was the guy in the jeepney – where I first saw you – with a tattoo on my arm. I answered “yes”. That was our first conversation, which led to many more. We had been talking for more than two weeks. It was fun. Normal. I didn’t think it was something special by that time. I find you so beautiful but I knew I wouldn’t stand a chance at all, so I didn’t really give it much thought. Looking at your photos was kinda overwhelming to me, at the same time, satisfying – but that was just it.

Fast-forward to this day, we’ve known and have been talking to each other for almost three weeks now. I was on my way to the office for a quick training at around 7:00 PM. You texted me that you were on your way to the mall to buy something from the pharmacy. I asked which mall it is because my office is located in one of the two malls in the area. You said you would go to the other one but later decided that you would go to where my office is at. I asked if we could hang out; perhaps grab a drink or a bite to eat after my training. You agreed and told me you were willing to wait for me. I was so damn excited that I couldn’t even begin the training, nor did I know how to end it. That was our first rendezvous. We met up at the mall and headed out to the local bar and had some beer. It was pretty awkward though – you not being able to look straight at me, and me not being able to do the same. I didn’t know how to start a conversation, but thank God, I somehow managed to do so by asking you how you were and how things were going. Your responses seemed to trigger all the magical things to happen. We have the same taste when it comes to movies. You happened to like those ones I love so badly. We agreed that my favorite movie, The Fault In Our Stars, is damn good. You even recited some of my favorite lines, and no one has ever done that before. Your favorite scene is my favorite scene. I don’t know, but I have never talked to anyone who has the same thoughts and perspective as I do. That moment, I knew, you were the one. You’re the fucking one I want to spend more of my time with. Then you told me you liked me. You even questioned why I liked you. And I told you, I liked you because of the spontaneity of the conversations we were having. I knew it was serendipity. I didn’t even know that it could happen in real life. But it DID happen. Fuck. I was the happiest. Then you kissed me randomly while we were in the bar. I asked if I could take that kiss back which you had just stolen. You allowed me to kiss you back. Right then and there, I was certain that things would be great ahead of us. You told me not to go home because it was already late. You were worried that I might not get home safely so you asked me to stay at your place – to which I, without hesitation, agreed upon. How could I disagree? Lol. While we were on our way to your place, you held my hand for the first time. Great conversations flowed very instantly after that.

On our next meet-up, you went to my place. We ate, and grabbed beers again. Same spontaneous conversation. You made me like you even more. Every single time. Every second. We had our first argument about a random topic but we reconciled after. I prepared myself for more disagreements to come. I bowed down to always make it up to you. Anyway, when it was about to go home, you got on the jeepney with me, and kissed me before I left. Your smile is a treasure. I didn’t even want to get out of that moment but we had to.
Third meet-up, you met few of my friends. We got drunk. You started to know my not-so-good side whenever I’m drunk: I can’t even remember things. Then we met up again, where you told me that I was so wasted.
My only prayer that time was, when you get to know the things you don’t like about me, I hope that you would focus on the things you like about me. I wanted you to focus on the beautiful memories that we shared. Then one time, you told me you were going out to drink with a friend. Then the next time we met, I asked you who that person was and then you said it was The Nurse. I was shattered and devastated. I didn’t want to get jealous but I couldn’t help myself, because that guy is the same guy I flirted with long before I met you, so let’s just say, I know the drill. You told me you slept in his place. I didn’t ask for the details because, hell, I knew it would be too painful for me. You stared at me and noticed how different I was behaving. I was silent. You didn’t know but when we were eating at this restaurant in a mall and that time I went to the comfort room, I cried my eyes out. I was hurting. I was hurting because I wasn’t sure whether you like me still or you no longer did. Or maybe I was just overthinking or something. I didn’t know.

After several more dates and meet-ups, that’s when things started to change. You no longer respond when I say “I love you” or “fuck you” even – (excerpted from TFIOUS). You barely responded to my texts; never answered any of my calls.

I can feel it. This time, I’m the only one that’s clinging to this, to us. Was there ever an “us”? We fought for the first time. And it was so bad that we had decided to call it quits. But I still texted you the next day because, fuck, I can’t live without you. I mean, I can, definitely, but being with you is better than being alone. I want you because I need you. I needed you because you make my days better. I needed you because you’re the most beautiful thing that’s ever been mine. We fought after my 25th birthday. All my plans were gone. And I spent the entire day just lying on my bed, crying and blaming myself – had I been perfect enough to love you, you would’ve liked me as much. We fought again and that’s probably the last conversation we had. You’re no longer replying to my text and I’m doing the same.
But let me tell you one thing, I hope you can focus on the good side of me. I hope you never made me see myself as a bad person. I hope that you gave me a chance to say how much I love you and I hope you feel the same way too.

 

 

–  Words and letters by a very good friend of mine who I totally admire. I hope that someday, you never have to feel this kind of pain again, someone is going to come to your life, and these will all be just a bad memory, a distant heartache.