Hope ruins people. It ruined me. Hope deliberately betrayed my perspective which I tried so hard to create, it’s like standing on the edge of failure clinging desperately only to be pushed by reality, living through each day hoping and praying that everything would change, that it would make sense, that one morning I’d wake up to a better sight of the world, a world which is less painful, less frustrating, less cruel, a world that doesn’t closely resemble misery.
But every morning is not a start, it’s not a beginning, not a chance, not a blessing, it is yet another part of an endless cycle of decimation, a continuous struggle for change. Hope means weakness. Hope means defeat. Hope is an evil form of profound devotion. Hope is a lie, a fabricated excuse for deliverance. Hope destroys people. It destroyed me.
It rained today. It was melancholy. It actually felt like home for a moment, I felt deficient, my sadness poured all over me, like a sad song, like a pensive touch, like a lonely echo of isolation. I didn’t find solace as the frigid wind touched my veneer existence, it was something too stale I didn’t even flinch.
I walked through the crowd like a dormant entity, I stopped between sobs of defeat, I didn’t feel anything. I hate the rain, it makes me remember memories, memories that are now sheltered away. I don’t want to cry today.
Tommy was oddly happy today, there was something peculiar about the way he grabbed his jacket, or the way he shuffled through his things, or the reluctant glances he so desperately tried to hide when I came barging in the room. He looked very different, his eyes were gleaming with hope and liberation, youth was written all over his face, he smelled so sweet and seductive, like wild roses on a summer day, like floating stardust drifting on an endless firmament. I was in awe.
“Oh, honey, you’re up early, I was just getting ready for work” He said plainly, tucking his jacket in his arms.
“Work? On a Sunday?” I calmly asked, biting my lip as my voice turned raspy and weak.
He quickly gave me a peck on the cheek, “Something came up, I’ll tell you when I get back. Don’t wait up Okay?”
I watched him as he hurried his pace out the door. My eyes burning with disgust and contempt. I know damn well where this lying-cheating-shallow of a man is going.