Mr. Nobody

I didn’t really know how to write about you, I am not even sure if you’re worth any empathy, I shouldn’t think of you anymore, your memory isn’t something I look forward to remember, but I don’t hate you, No, hate is an overstatement, I don’t feel any of it, at all. You were an ungrateful prick, and it would be too unfair if I label you more than that, I am sure that you are possibly a good son, a brother, a friend, and I am not gonna take that credit away from you.

But how you treated me, was unacceptable, and I would like to give you the same level of courtesy. This is not an immature fit, or an act to get unwanted attention, No, I just needed to be me, I just needed to be the kind of person that I am, a person who is sentimental, reclusive, weird and unforgiving. I just wanted you to know that how you treated me made an enormous impact on my confidence, not just mentally but more on a physical aspect. I did not deserve that. No one deserves that.

Remember when you told me that I act like a guy? I dress like a guy, I talk like a guy, didn’t you know that maybe, I got more balls than you will ever have? Yes, you are a good-looking guy, hell, you were even part of a dance group, who wouldn’t swoon over that? I mean, a guy who’s got the looks, the dance moves, it was the perfect ruse to make the girls fall for you, but did you ever care about our feelings? Doesn’t being a guy mean being there when we are most vulnerable? Not to lure us and promise us pure love while giving the opposite. What good of a guy are you if you can’t respect our boundaries and foible? You were so fake that it didn’t take me a long time to figure you out, how you prey on a girl’s infirmity, how you had your way with words to get what you want, to have the upper hand, to prevail. I saw right through your mask, and I ripped it off before you got to me.

It wasn’t a real heartbreak though, I didn’t exactly cry for you, I shed a couple of tears just to console myself, but it was nothing to me, I had a crush on you and that was it, no connection has ever tied me to be so depressed and all. You were a piece of trash that I threw away, I get a laugh whenever I think about it, how immature you were, how insensitive you were, how stupid I was.

How have you been doing? Did you change your ways? Did you become a better person? Did you man up? Or are you still the same boy who manipulates girls according to his favor? I didn’t think so.

My callous lips

I could never forgive you. You are a hypocrite. You are a slut in a virgin’s clothing and you disgust me. You don’t have the right to condemn a sin because you are sin itself. How can you despise something you clearly are capable of doing?

You are a nefarious fraud, you are a worthless piece of abomination and you deserve an afflictive place in hell.  A perfidious monster like you should perish in fire along with all of this world’s darkest immoral garbage.

Brick wall

I didn’t know. I had no idea. I was clueless. It was me. It was all me, I changed, I became distant, I turned into a heartless mortal. I didn’t care about your feelings, I thought you were the one who’s beings selfish, that you were trying to push me away, that you changed. I was so wrong, it was me. I pushed you away, I shouted at you, I made an indestructible wall around me, I shut you out. I didn’t listen, I never fucking listen, I only listen to myself. I forgot about you, I forgot that it was supposed to be the two of us, that we’re supposed to be strong together, not outgrow each other.

 

I was so stupid to neglect your feelings, to flip everything on you, to blame you for my unreasonable behaviour, you changed because I changed, I made you the person I hate and despise. I am the culprit, I was rotten inside and I needed someone to take the fall, so I turned my back on you. My black heart. My cruel heart.

Fragmented

Hope ruins people. It ruined me. Hope deliberately betrayed my perspective which I tried so hard to create, it’s like standing on the edge of failure clinging desperately only to be pushed by reality, living through each day hoping and praying that everything would change, that it would make sense, that one morning I’d wake up to a better sight of the world, a world which is less painful, less frustrating, less cruel, a world that doesn’t closely resemble misery.

 

But every morning is not a start, it’s not a beginning, not a chance, not a blessing, it is yet another part of an endless cycle of decimation, a continuous struggle for change. Hope means weakness. Hope means defeat. Hope is an evil form of profound devotion. Hope is a lie, a fabricated excuse for deliverance. Hope destroys people. It destroyed me.

Poisonous fruit

For years I’ve kept this secret ensconced in the deepest part of my soul, underneath my darkest desire of revenge, creeping in every second of my hatred and disgust, crawling in my skin with malice and somber intentions. I was a captive of the past, a bitter past. And you were my curse, my nightmare, my anathema.

I knew from the moment I met you that you will eventually be a part of my endless heartache, and damn I wasn’t wrong, I was completely spot on, you were a chronic disease, you were my punishment, you made me hate myself, you made me hurt myself, you exasperated the devil in me, subdued my conscience, disturbed my most sardonic cogitation.

But you were so pretty, you were every man’s dreams, what am I compared to you? My physical appearance is a far cry from your fascinating-youthful beauty, I couldn’t compete with anything like that. And then the betrayal happened, my happiness has been jeopardized by the people I trusted the most, they all participated in the conspiracy that you created, I died, you were the death of me, every breath I take was a poison of your existence, I despise you for everything I had to feel, For everything I had to lose. You were a poisonous fruit, and I had a taste of your sin.

You broke me. You destroyed my life. You put a bullet to my head, you pulled the trigger of loathing, you made me hate, you turned me into an inferior monstrosity. You killed me. Over and over again.

Thankfully, I’ve moved on. We are both leading a normal life, you got married, I am equally blessed and happy with my life now, I get sad sometimes when I think about it but it doesn’t break me that much anymore, we are both adult now trying to make amends. I realised that hate doesn’t have a place in my heart anymore, I couldn’t tolerate any more of the burden. I don’t wanna be suffocated by the same aversion for the rest of my life, I refuse to be consumed by my past. We are free, free from guilt, from distrust, from everything that has been holding us for years.

She has been long forgiven. She is now a friend of mine. We are starting to know each other on a different light. I look forward to a future of friendship with her. Unforeseen? Absolutely. Possible? You bet.