Dear Past

Six years ago;

Someday, your sin is going to bite you right up your ass, your betrayal will be written down on karma’s list, I will have the sweetest revenge and there will be no mercy, yes, there will be blood, there will be tears, there will be misery, but not mercy nor forgiveness. I will take my pound of flesh and more. You will never be happy, I will be the dark shadow lurking behind you, I will be your downfall, the villain in your story, the evil incarnate. I will destroy you. Karma will.

 

 

 

 

Today;

 

I feel sorry for you, I wish I could do something to make it less miserable. I’ve forgiven you, something I never thought I’d be able to do, but I did, and I’m sincere, more than sincere. I hope you’d find solace in my words. I gave you a chance. I hope the world could do the same for you.

 

Star-crossed Lovers

Serenity: I felt a sudden moment of solace when you kissed me, the world crumbled below my defiance, my nerves jolted , my universe lost its course.

When you pulled me in, I felt another version of the world, I felt a different kind of defeat, something that I’ll never be able to reminisce, too terrifying, too wretched.

I’ll take a step away from you, until this feeling turn into a dull persistent ache, and maybe in another life, we could have a chance, we could happen, but until then, I need to get away from this madness…from you.

Big Heart

Six times a week I saw him there. He was the first one to always greet me whenever I arrive at work. He is a big man. You can already assume that he is from Africa or Bangladesh because of his skin colour. His hair is the typical-curly-I-woke-up-like-this kind of hair. He was always the coy type – something that you would expect from a person who came from a destitute household. He barely talked although he seemed chatty around me.

Puso. His name is Puso. It’s an average name, a name that you could easily forget. It doesn’t have a nice ring to it. It’s not even interesting, but there is more to him than meets the eye. There’s something special about Puso. Not just because of the fact that his name means “heart” in my language, but because it makes him who he is. He has a big heart.

He worked as a janitor/maintenance guy in the company where I work. He was the cleaner, the sweeper, the toilet ninja, the dust warrior and the garbage hero. Not one single time did I see him doing nothing, taking a break or getting a snack. He was always doing something, whether it be polishing the windows or mopping the floor. He was practically a robot. A robot that needs to work; that needs to suffer the hardships of life for a chance to change the course of his future. I admire him. I admire his dedication, his commendable fortitude to deal with righteous people and co-workers who think that he is nothing more than an expendable employee – someone who isn’t capable of whining about injustice or maltreatment. He didn’t complain, he didn’t make a fuss, he basically would just shrug his shoulders, look down and not say a thing. He would just go back to what he was doing and act as if nothing would ever break him – no words, no insults, no judgment – nothing could ever rupture his faith: his faith that someday…someday…life would be in his favor. Someday…where no one could tell him what he can and what he cannot do, where no one would be discriminated.

Puso taught me a lot of things, things that I never would have appreciated had I not seen the reality of weakness. I will be like Puso. I will be brave. I will never let anyone violate my worth. I am not going to be defined by stupid and inane perceptions. I will never be daunted by people’s foul and callous judgment. I am my own person.

Ben

Ben was not in the mood to work today, he was cowering in bed trying to find solace from the silence of his room, trying to keep himself from absolute obscurity, straining to forget about what happened yesterday. Yes, yesterday could be the worst ordeal he had to endure on his painful journey of emancipation, through years of abuse, of being a prisoner of his own character.

He sobbed like a small child, deprived of innocence and the right to choose, the right to love, the right to be his own self, the severity of his anguish is already boundless without adding a layer of guilt and decadence. He started crying. His tears of sadness and turmoil fell from his weary and defeated eyes, the little pride left on his scarred soul slowly disintegrated, vanishing with myriad of torment and secrecy.

So what if I have a heart of a woman?
I am human too.
Why can’t I be myself?
Why can’t I feel normal?
Why do I have to pretend?
Why do I have to hide?
Why do I have to be scared?
Why do I have to be humiliated?
Why can’t they see my heart?
My soul?
why do I have to be an outcast?
Am I a disease?
Am I an abomination?
Am I a curse?
Why?

He whispered between endless sobs. But there was no answer, not even a hint of rejuvenation or hope or pillar. The world didn’t answer. He received no answer. The world stayed silent and still, but it gave him a condescending smile, a look of disgust and scorn, a vague look of understanding. Ben screamed, he kicked and punched and clenched his teeth, for he knew , he knew what the world meant, he knew.

 

“Be yourself. Come out, but the moment you shut that closet door, we will show you what hell looks like, and boy, it’s going to be ugly, and you will never come out of it alive” –  The World.

Breakaway

HE IS NOT AFRAID TO LOSE YOU. This is something that you have to understand, no matter how painful, no matter how unfair, no matter how much it would kill you. You can’t keep lying to yourself that it will get better, because it wont, you can’t convince yourself that he will change, because he won’t, not for you.

 

You can’t cry yourself to sleep every night hoping that tomorrow you’ll wake up with his soft kisses, or a loving hug, or a whisper of love and apology, because he will never do that, he’s probably on a deep slumber of negligence while you are slowly breaking beside him. He’s probably inside the comfort of “IDGAF”

You can’t keep asking yourself why you were never good enough, because you are more than enough, he is just too fucking blunt to see that, he is so full of himself he thinks he’s out of your league, he thinks that you can never find someone better than him, but you will, you have to believe that he is not the one for you, he is just a conceited son of a — who likes to use your feelings to his advantage. He is an absolute prick who needs to be rattled out of his glorified ego.

You have to get out of his prison, You have to break away from his mendacious abuse, because you don’t deserve any of that. You are a beautiful creation, you can’t see yourself as a woman who can’t live without him in your life, he sees you as a worthless and expendable possession because you let him think of you that way, but you are not.

The lies, the deceits, the manipulations; it’s going to happen over and over and over again, until your heart runs out of love to give, until every piece of you screams hate and regret, until there is nothing more to live for, don’t ever let that happen. Don’t ever let this lying-inconsiderate-jerk take your life, destroy it and throw it away. I don’t want you to wake up one day feeling sorry for yourself, because you wasted your entire life loving the wrong person, and you can never take it back, you are going to be so empty because you gave him everything you have and it’s not going to be easy to start over and move on with all the loathing and remorse restrained for so long.

This is going to hurt like hell. It’s not going to be facile. It’s going to take a lot of valor to get through something like this. But you have to try, you have to learn how to quit something that will never ever work, like ever.

Look at yourself in the mirror, C’mon, do it. What do you see? What do you really see? Are you happy? Can you really smile without faking it? Can you really live like this for the rest of your life? If you can lie to yourself and endure this screwed-up romance, then you have to live with your choice, you have to be stronger, love harder and maybe, in the most compelling possibility, he’ll definitely learn how to change and see you as the wonderful woman that you truly are.

But if you cannot put up with it anymore, look at yourself again, and remember this; You are worth it. You’ve always been.