Mr. Nobody

I didn’t really know how to write about you, I am not even sure if you’re worth any empathy, I shouldn’t think of you anymore, your memory isn’t something I look forward to remember, but I don’t hate you, No, hate is an overstatement, I don’t feel any of it, at all. You were an ungrateful prick, and it would be too unfair if I label you more than that, I am sure that you are possibly a good son, a brother, a friend, and I am not gonna take that credit away from you.

But how you treated me, was unacceptable, and I would like to give you the same level of courtesy. This is not an immature fit, or an act to get unwanted attention, No, I just needed to be me, I just needed to be the kind of person that I am, a person who is sentimental, reclusive, weird and unforgiving. I just wanted you to know that how you treated me made an enormous impact on my confidence, not just mentally but more on a physical aspect. I did not deserve that. No one deserves that.

Remember when you told me that I act like a guy? I dress like a guy, I talk like a guy, didn’t you know that maybe, I got more balls than you will ever have? Yes, you are a good-looking guy, hell, you were even part of a dance group, who wouldn’t swoon over that? I mean, a guy who’s got the looks, the dance moves, it was the perfect ruse to make the girls fall for you, but did you ever care about our feelings? Doesn’t being a guy mean being there when we are most vulnerable? Not to lure us and promise us pure love while giving the opposite. What good of a guy are you if you can’t respect our boundaries and foible? You were so fake that it didn’t take me a long time to figure you out, how you prey on a girl’s infirmity, how you had your way with words to get what you want, to have the upper hand, to prevail. I saw right through your mask, and I ripped it off before you got to me.

It wasn’t a real heartbreak though, I didn’t exactly cry for you, I shed a couple of tears just to console myself, but it was nothing to me, I had a crush on you and that was it, no connection has ever tied me to be so depressed and all. You were a piece of trash that I threw away, I get a laugh whenever I think about it, how immature you were, how insensitive you were, how stupid I was.

How have you been doing? Did you change your ways? Did you become a better person? Did you man up? Or are you still the same boy who manipulates girls according to his favor? I didn’t think so.

My callous lips

I could never forgive you. You are a hypocrite. You are a slut in a virgin’s clothing and you disgust me. You don’t have the right to condemn a sin because you are sin itself. How can you despise something you clearly are capable of doing?

You are a nefarious fraud, you are a worthless piece of abomination and you deserve an afflictive place in hell.  A perfidious monster like you should perish in fire along with all of this world’s darkest immoral garbage.

Brick wall

I didn’t know. I had no idea. I was clueless. It was me. It was all me, I changed, I became distant, I turned into a heartless mortal. I didn’t care about your feelings, I thought you were the one who’s beings selfish, that you were trying to push me away, that you changed. I was so wrong, it was me. I pushed you away, I shouted at you, I made an indestructible wall around me, I shut you out. I didn’t listen, I never fucking listen, I only listen to myself. I forgot about you, I forgot that it was supposed to be the two of us, that we’re supposed to be strong together, not outgrow each other.

 

I was so stupid to neglect your feelings, to flip everything on you, to blame you for my unreasonable behaviour, you changed because I changed, I made you the person I hate and despise. I am the culprit, I was rotten inside and I needed someone to take the fall, so I turned my back on you. My black heart. My cruel heart.

Dear Past

Six years ago;

Someday, your sin is going to bite you right up your ass, your betrayal will be written down on karma’s list, I will have the sweetest revenge and there will be no mercy, yes, there will be blood, there will be tears, there will be misery, but not mercy nor forgiveness. I will take my pound of flesh and more. You will never be happy, I will be the dark shadow lurking behind you, I will be your downfall, the villain in your story, the evil incarnate. I will destroy you. Karma will.

 

 

 

 

Today;

 

I feel sorry for you, I wish I could do something to make it less miserable. I’ve forgiven you, something I never thought I’d be able to do, but I did, and I’m sincere, more than sincere. I hope you’d find solace in my words. I gave you a chance. I hope the world could do the same for you.

 

Fragmented

Hope ruins people. It ruined me. Hope deliberately betrayed my perspective which I tried so hard to create, it’s like standing on the edge of failure clinging desperately only to be pushed by reality, living through each day hoping and praying that everything would change, that it would make sense, that one morning I’d wake up to a better sight of the world, a world which is less painful, less frustrating, less cruel, a world that doesn’t closely resemble misery.

 

But every morning is not a start, it’s not a beginning, not a chance, not a blessing, it is yet another part of an endless cycle of decimation, a continuous struggle for change. Hope means weakness. Hope means defeat. Hope is an evil form of profound devotion. Hope is a lie, a fabricated excuse for deliverance. Hope destroys people. It destroyed me.

Amour propre

If only people would practice what they preach, then maybe this world would be a better place, far from what it is right now, far from what we have become. We sermonize the ways of mankind according to our level of importance, we all think we are better than everybody, or that we are too special to be mocked or derogated. We patronize ourselves too much by climbing desperately on our own pedestal of honor and supremacy. We pry on the failures of the unfortunate and weak. We covet what we don’t have. We resent our deficiencies by treating the prosaic and sane with malice. We are selfish. We are nocuous by nature, finding new ways of hurting people is what we are good at.

 

Yes. There are some who claims to be a manifestation of decency, of virtue or of probity, yet they can’t seem to validate their purpose. When are we going to stop hurting ourselves just to prove that we are on the pinnacle of the status quo? Until we ruined everything that we truly are? Until there is no more to decimate?

Oblivion

 

 

It rained today. It was melancholy. It actually felt like home for a moment, I felt deficient, my sadness poured all over me, like a sad song, like a pensive touch, like a lonely echo of isolation. I didn’t find solace as the frigid wind touched my veneer existence, it was something too stale I didn’t even flinch.

I walked through the crowd like a dormant entity, I stopped between sobs of defeat, I didn’t feel anything. I hate the rain, it makes me remember memories, memories that are now sheltered away. I don’t want to cry today.