All About Daniel

I was thirteen years old when I fell in love with Daniel Jacob Radcliffe, an English actor, and a famous one at that โ€“ the boy who lived, the chosen one โ€“ yes, Harry Potterย – need I say more? So, it wasnโ€™t just an infatuation or a childish admiration for a popular celebrity. It wasnโ€™t a crush; it was nothing simple. I practically adored him. I wasnโ€™t just a typical fan. I wasnโ€™t some girl who simply wanted to get his autograph or take a picture of him, or scream his name on my sleep. No, I was actually weirder than that.

I was captivated by him in the simplest way, it was so simple, yet I cannot describe it.ย It felt somehowย ordinary and yet, my heart canโ€™t find the perfect adjective that would suffice to limn how I felt for him. He was my inspiration. I was just a little girl, clueless about love and emotions, and he taught me how to feel, how to lose my heartโ€™s control and believe that someday, heโ€™d know that I exist, that I could be a part of his world.

His world and mine could not possibly meet, but that didnโ€™t stop me from thinking about him, from practicing the exact words that I would use if we ever had a chance to know each other. I didnโ€™t need to talk to him personally, as impossible and foolish as it may seem, I talked to him in my own way, in my own creative solace. I wrote about him,ย I wrote to him. Through my writings, I was able to tell him about me, that I exist, that thereโ€™s a girl on another part of the planet who loved him and cared for him. I introduced him to my world. We were two travelers, walking through different paths of uncertainties and puzzles, and I believed that someday, our paths will cross and together; we could create new journeys of love and possibilities.

Every day, for the past four years of myย life, I wrote to him. I wrote a book for him โ€“ a story untold; a story no one could ever comprehend how profound and emotional; my own version of happiness and serendipity. It was a book about faith and hope for an impossible love; it was a book about the other side of the equation; it was a bookย of promise. My promise.

And then it was nothing. It became nothing.

One morning, I woke up, feeling more agitated than usual. I looked to the right side of my room and there they are: my addiction, my obsession โ€“ Daniel had a special place in my room, from the walls, to the ceiling, to the wide side table, in every photo album, in every HP memorabilia, in every wallpaper, in every diaryย I ever kept, in every stationery, in every note, in every notebook. He was everywhere to me. And he was in my heart.ย But that day, I decided to just get rid of my hopeless dream, my luckless romance. I realised that I wasnโ€™t a kid anymore, and that I needed to dispose of every negative thing that would deter my growth as a person. And a normal person wouldnโ€™t fall in love with a picture on the wall, or a character in a movie, because itโ€™s never going to be real. And if itโ€™s not real, what doย I live for? A fantasy? I wasnโ€™t going to lose my sight of the real world for something that would keep me from it.

So I took my book, lit a couple of match sticks, grabbed a large metal basin, threw the book and I watched as it got consumed by the mighty fire of awakening, the flames slowly tearing it apart, burning every word that I had ever conceived, perishing every letter, every line, every feeling, every emotion, until it became nothing. Just ashes. Just gray particles, lying there, waiting to be forgotten. I cried. I cried a lot.

It was my first heartbreak.

They say that if you truly love someone and you let them go,ย their memory will always haunt you and hurt you until you find someone who willย replace the emptiness, but when I let go of Daniel, I felt better. I will always remember him, after all, he was the reason I wanted to be a writer. I wanted him to know that I was different, so I wrote a book for him. I wrote a version of the world where I could be with him; where weโ€™re both just normal people and that we could also fall in love; a world where no one would be unfair; a world with Daniel. It was all about Daniel, but I let it go. I burned the book, not because I donโ€™t believe in dreams anymore, or fate or destiny, but because I learned that I have a life too. And Daniel will never be a part of that life. I was meant to be alive, not to fantasize or be trapped in a dimension of chimeras and magic.

Life is a magical journey. We meet trolls and monsters along the way. We see chaos and giants. We feel butterflies and heartaches. Nothing is going to be easy. No one is going to be fair, but just be yourself. Believe.

80 Comments

  1. That is beautiful. Letting go is the most difficult thing you can do, but once you get the strength to do it, to let go of what, in the end, it’s not good for you, you will make room for better.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Yep, almost. Suddenly all my passion disappeared since 8th grade. I was watching the woman in black few days back….. What’s left is adoration and nostalgia. Did you watch December Boys?

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      2. Yes. But I admire my old-self, full of life, full of hope. I was someone who could achieve anything if I put my heart to it, I don’t know where that girl went, she totally bailed on me. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes. He became an inspiration to me, when I was younger, I really wanted to meet him, see him, let him know that there’s a little girl who loves him more than just a celebrity, but his own person. I guess, he will never know about it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. One of my friends actually wrote to him and got a reply. Along with a signed photograph. It was crazy. Just imagine to actually get something touched by him lol ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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  2. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ I just read this. Daniel Radcliffe?? I was pretty infatuated with zac effron at thirteen… I’m telling you… I was the ultimate fan girl… But now… I guess like you I learnt to let go. But I think watching the greatest showman got me falling back to my infatuations. Hehe ๐Ÿ˜€

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  3. Oh my Dear , That is such a true real story. It sums up every love a young person dreams of. I am glad I have found your blog. I think we should be friends. ‘my hopeless dream, my luckless romance.’ That is good. It is clever and concise.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is so heartbreaking, and though you wrote it years ago, I want to say that this caught up my emotion.
    I could cry while reading every words.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh my!
    I can’t believe it!
    Nomination is one of my dreams in blogging and I’m glad to know that I’ll be nominated for the first time.
    Thanks a lot and I don’t know what to say. ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  6. True..i too had crush on reel life hero..and i can so relate to what you said.. and then senses awaken ,,, and put end to it….we are evolving i can say

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Nice work. It sounds vaguely familiar to be chasing some imagination that is not there, but eventually we grow up. Sounds like a religion ๐Ÿ™‚

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  8. You know, normally I don’t comment but this is quite moving. I think the more extreme the love is the more real it really is. But this life is about letting go and I am glad you got around to it. Amazing post!

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  9. I’m happy for you dear. Yes i believe it was hard for you.
    Well i loved the character, not the real person. So it was easier for me. And i was so sad as the last book ended. But i had a crush later on an Indian actor till i discovered that i would never meet him either. So….. now we’re big girls. Life must go on

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  10. I too had to let go. It’s hard. The moment you realise that you can’t live with the person you want is quite painful. In my case we both knew we can’t be together. So that was more painful. True love we had.

    You write so well that you made me remember my letting go. Thank you so much for sharing this post.

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  11. Wow, incredible and very powerful….the traps and pitfalls of fame, celebrity and our hopeless romantic notions of meeting a movie star and living in their world…for the majority of us its never going to be as we like our privacy too much…being somewhat anonymous gives a person more freedom in this world. Keep writing in the beautifully emotive way you do !

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  12. It’s a turning point to every writer, whenever he encounters his/er inner emotions..
    You see that Daniel was your inspiration.. it really wasn’t. It was your (self).
    Once you were familiar with these new feelings you started to see things differently.. write about things differently.. your emotions inspired you..
    It’s not about anyone else..
    Many people fall in and out of love every day but not everyone “write a book” ..making an art of it.. cause you’re different.. writers are different.. they just love way too much for anyone to care..
    So you have to see that you’re the true inspire to yourself..
    That’s why writers are better with emotions.. they see that they’re like a muse.. giving them clues on how to write.. on how to comprehend other people’s minds.

    Really enjoyed your story๐Ÿ˜„

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  13. Daniel Radcliffe is quite an ordinarily looking guy. You can meet same or better looking guys walking around in London or anywhere in the UK. However he brought to life (and well) a character who many found inspirational. And on the way to ourselves we first need someone else ๐Ÿ˜‰ I am older than you, for me it was Fox Mulder (X Files).

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