believe · brave · breaking free · broken · crush · damaged · evil · fight · forgiveness · fragmented · hate · heartbreak · lies · love · pain · revenge · tears · vanity

Private Demon

Ragazza Triste

“Don’t dwell on the past, it’s going to weigh you down, it’s going to leave you shattered and empty”

I have a very profound definition of hate. Hate is always a part of my personality, after all, I hate myself, I am not really in peace with my inner character.

I am haunted by a dark past, by a monster who betrayed me, a sin that wouldn’t leave me alone. There’s still a bit of hate left in me, I guess it’s never gonna go away, it’s a part of my life that I can’t just throw away. I realised that writing about my past is a great way to heal from it, to set myself free, to break away from the hurt.

But no matter how hard I try to run from it, it always seems to find a way to catch up to me, and when it does, the hate that is kept hidden under the deepest portion of my heart slowly breaks and turns into detrimental chaos. That hate combined with regret and suppressed resentment makes me want to hurt people, to avenge my broken heart, to say foul things, to curse, to manipulate, to cause affliction and distress.

I am a bad person. My heart is made up of absolute loathing. I am incapable of forgiveness. My heart could never, ever forgive. As long as there is a small amount of repugnance scratching within me, I could never, ever find peace.

Do I have a chance? Should I give myself a chance?

146 thoughts on “Private Demon”

  1. I’ve known exactly how you feel. I understand the momentary freedom one receives from writing about it. Keep it up!

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  2. I have been where you are. I am glad you have started to write about it, to let the hate out. You are only what you tell yourself you are. If you say you are a bad person,, you will fulfill those words. Tere is power in our words – especially those we speak to ourselves.

    All is not lost or hopeless. It never is with a God as big as the one I serve. he says He will remember your past sins NO MORE! He will not hold them against you. He loves you with an everlasting love, and that love is available to you.

    i thank you for inviting me to follow your blog. I am not the best at keeping up with reading, but I will try to stop by once in a while. May you find peace for your weary soul.

    Be blessed

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    1. OMG. This is overwhelming, Pete. I feel a lot better knowing that someone understands and is trying to help me see a nore positive world. I will try my best to see the good in everything, I will try to be stronger, until my faith is stronger than my hate. Thank you for reminding me that God will never judge my anger, He would want me to defeat it. Thank you, Pete.

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      1. My pleasure. I’m blessed that you found my blog as well. As the Psalmist, God continually pours words of encouragement and hope to my followers. I pray you find the same!

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      1. unexpected question but i like it. i think it stems from my childhood. like EVERYTHING. i can’t bear the possibility of being hurtful, causing pain. its the one thing that affects me a damn lot.

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  5. Oh, so true and wise, we cannot run from the past. When we are able to confront it and deal with it (through writing or some other outlet) we tend to be able to live with it, knowing it is where it belongs, behind us. Love this and the image you chose!

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      1. You achieved your goal, perfectly. I happen to love the darkness as I am, generally, a dark person, too. I’ve spent hours, days, weeks and years, buried in the past, but I have come to terms with having to live with it as a part of who I am. I loved the image – great find! 🙂

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      3. Well, I am sure you will eventually get there. We usually come to a point where we realize that whatever decision we make is not for the other person (or people) it is for us. Keep writing and conversing – it will come 🙂

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      1. Dark as in I tend to be drawn to dark things: an ominous sky, dark writing, the closing of the day, the solitude in the darkness when I can hear my thoughts and the general dark emotions captured in sadness.

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  7. I used to feel that way myself. I lived in the eye of the cloud of darkness, where it was pitch (see my post about Darkness). It was another time, another life ago. I taught myself to fight. It didn’t matter if others saw value in me. I learned that the hard way. You’ll find your value and when you do, no one can take that from you.

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      1. Living in my past nearly killed me. I’m sure you’ve been there. The light is there for you. The problem is that only you can reach for it. I won’t preach at you about God and Bible verses. That’s not everyone’s light. It is mine but it may not be yours. I’m here and I’m listening, whenever you wish to talk. Keep writing, as I hear your pain as it echoes through the vast chasm of your heart.

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  8. Hi there-
    Trust me, I deal with regret and self-loathing issues constantly. But there should always be hope for peace. Without that hope, even if just a glimmer, what is there really? I have a problem taking my own advice, but here it is anyway: it is too easy to let our pasts define us, especially if they are filled with regret. You will have a very hard time moving forward if you keep holding onto your past and letting it dictate how you feel or act. It is best to find peace with your past if you are to ever find peace within yourself. I keep trying to think to myself that “the past is in the past – there is nothing I can do to change it or make it better.” That thought can be depressing, but also liberating, because once you fully realize there’s nothing you can do to change it, you can instead focus your energy on making a better present and future for yourself. Hopefully that advice helps you exorcise your demons. It took me a long time to let go of the past, but I think I’m finally getting over that hump… with a few lapses here and there.

    Take care,
    J

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    1. Thank you so much. I hope I can be like you, I hope that I can really find peace. It won’t happen easily, but at least I have to try and overcome my own private demons.

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  9. This post is beautiful! But it also touches that sad place deep inside..
    all I can say is, always give yourself a chance! And keep writing it out. Some days writing is all that keeps me going and I think you are the same. But also know that it is okay to feel bad, to feel hate. We are not perfect people and pressing down these feelings only makes it worse. You can see from all the comments that you are not alone and just knowing that will (in my experience) help. Sometimes you just need to hear that it is okay to feel the way you do.

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    1. Yes. Very true. Writing is really a remarkable outlet to express hate and disgust, any certain emotion. Thank you so much for reading, your comments about my writing is what keeps me from doing what I love.

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  11. Also just a heads up, i think you followed the wrong blog! i just got to know the issue and there was trouble in my domain! The comment above shows a different spelling however this one that im currently sending should not really be an issue 🙂

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  15. That it wasn’t your fault is even more reason to dump it and scram. It is difficult but try with little baby steps?

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      1. Yea, good thing you were brave enough to write about it.
        Little by little, you will free yourself

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  16. Now that you have written it down, take the next step and forgive yourself.Tell yourself that you are a winner and no one can love you more than yourself. This hate has no power over you. Change your thoughts and love you. Mercy begins with being merciful to yourself.

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    1. Thank you so much. You are too sweet. I am very overwhelmed by the comments that you guys put on this post, makes me wanna contemplate my life and start doing positive things.

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  17. Beautiful! Yes you certainly have a chance, and no one but you will make way for that chance for yourself, and with this piece you have already begun doing so! Stay blessed! 🙂

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  18. The soul unaware of the great weight of its own sin is the soul that cannot comprehend grace. The soul that cannot comprehend the power of grace is the soul cursed to bear the weight of its own sin. We begin the journey of self-forgiveness with the acknowledgement that forgiveness is never about what anyone deserves but what one chooses. I suspect that the greatest weight that you bear is not truly the weight of sin alone but rather the awareness that you cannot undo its consequences. I haven’t been there and done that; I have lived there. It is for many of us a matter of progression that begins with a commitment to be willing to show the same grace to ourselves that we would show to the most miserable other on the planet. If not ready to forgive self, at least a willingness to accept the journey toward self-forgiveness. I bid you a peace that you may believe unattainable… but I assure you it is possible.

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    1. Thank you for this. I am actually tearing up, just reading this comment. I think that I am being unfair to myself, harboring feelings of hate, disgusted by the injustice, I can’t find the light of forgiveness because I’m still affected by the consequences of the sin itself. I believe that in order for me to truly forgive, I have to see that person suffer endlessly, I know it’s cruel and hellish but it’s what I want.

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  19. Past is past for a reason. I know it is easier said than done, but trust me. Forgiveness is a big deal of gift one can give oneself. 🙂 you won’t regret it. There is always room for lessons and new experiences in life. Keep writing about it and heal yourself as you let the demon loosen up through every word you pen.❤

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      1. Very few people have the ability to admit this hate. We feel odd about it because it’s un-common to discuss it. If your talent is an outlet for all this then you’re lucky it comes out safely. Don’t beat yourself about it …Imagine all those people out there bottling it all inside until they blow up…

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  23. You DO have a chance, and you can definitely allow yourself to take that chance. We all have some pretty dreadful stuff in our lives, but we can all be forgiven and healed as we grow and change XXXXXX

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  24. Never get attached to any person or any past because believe it or not one day everything’s gonna be history..the way clouds keep moving in the sky.. We are the sky and clouds are our past.. And clouds keep moving..they would never be at one place.. So never get attached to anything

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  25. I’m sorry to hear you hate yourself. I hated myself most of my life and I can tell you it never got me anywhere. I thought if I corrected myself I could do better but by constantly critizing me and putting myself down I was making my life a living hell. We all make mistakes and there is nothing you can say or do that is beyond forgiveness. Jesus told the story of the Prodigal Son for a reason and even if you don’t want to hear preachy mumbo jumbo there are great examples of people who’s loved ones were murdered yet they found forgiveness for the very person who took their world away. I’m sure you haven’t done anything on that level and even if you had you still can still be forgiven but it starts with you. You have to forgive yourself and learn to love you which I know isn’t easy when you feel hate. But if you can slowly start to treat yourself like you would treat a friend then over time things will change. I could write a million examples but all real lasting change starts within. Hope you can find peace because you deserve it just like we all do.

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    1. Thank you so much for putting an effort to send me love and hope. I appreciate. I understand, like forgiveness is necessary, in order for me to be free from the hate and the loathing that has consumed my heart for a long time, I need to forgive myself first, I have to, I have faith in God, I believe I can do it. Thank you so much. 🙂

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  26. It’s hard to let go and see past every ugly cockroach that crawling in the beautiful mind (I can relate) and may be it will never go away; and may be everything did, do and done is useless, but a chance – should be – must be – given – no questions there; no doubts either.

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    1. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I am really overwhelmed by the amount of support that you guys are giving me, and I know that I have to think positive thoughts from now on, I can’t live on hate. I just can’t. I can’t keep wasting my time on something that’s holding me back.

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      1. It is a terrible feeling but for some reason we revel in it. We tear ourselves apart, maybe in hopes that if we punish and hate ourselves enough, that no one else will.

        And thank you! That makes my heart happy 😁

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  29. Forgiveness is a big deal and it takes a lot. Hate keeps us holding on to the thing that hurt us and it kinda keeps us demonizing the person, which kinda makes us feel slightly better, even though it just poisons us. But of course, I am all for feeling all your emotions, the good, bad and ugly. Feel them in all their entirety just don’t let them take over. They are cruel masters. But I love your writing! Glad you stopped by my “door” and made me discover you!

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    1. Thank you so much for reading. I understand. I am human and it’s normal to hold grudges for people who has hurt me, my mistake is I let the hate drive me away from the light.

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  31. I think we all have our private demons or our “dark side” as some prefer to call it. Life is about choices and when it comes to our private demons we must make a moment by moment choice. What are we going to show the world? Our inner joy and peace or that private demon? When we give those “demons” expression then we empower them and we must ask ourselves, “Is that really what I want to do?”. I do not. I do not want to empower my private demons but I DO want to disempower them. In so doing and in making more conscious choices I’ve found my private demons getting weaker and weaker and that is exactly my goal. To disempower them rather than to empower them.

    I think Buddha put it very well when he said, “The mind is everything. What you think you become.” He also taught, “What we think, we become.” Edgar Cayce taught, “Spirit is the life. Mind is the builder, Physical is the result.” In my mind these teachings show just how powerful our minds are. I think it would benefit us all if we kept such teachings in mind especially when it comes to dealing with our own personal demons. Blessings and GREAT BLOG!! 🙂

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    1. Wow. Thank you so much for the love and advice. I will try to find peace in my heart. I will try to forgive, I will free myself from the ghost of the past and break away from it once and for all. Thank you so much for your words.

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  32. I believe the power of forgiveness benefits the one who was wronged more than it does the perpetrator, as the act of forgiveness is incredibly freeing. That said, I also believe some actions are unforgivable. So, I am also in quite a dilemma. Sending you love and good vibes! ❤

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I am trying to change my mind, really, but it’s hard to let go, it’s hard to let go of the hate. I am a prisoner of that person and I’m trying to walk away from the shadow. I wish I could.

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      1. Perhaps it is a question of whether or not you truly WANT to let go. I’ve been in dark places where I lived for far too long, because the hatred became such deep part of me, I thought it gave me strength to protect myself. I think you should meditate, treat yourself well, and spend time reflecting on who you are, and who you want to be. ❤

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      2. I would definitely do that. I don’t wanna lose myself because of so much hate and loathing. I WANT to let go, but my mind just can’t, my heart is willing, but my pride wouldn’t let me.

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  33. It is extremely difficult to stop hating. It is extremely difficult to stop anything, afterall, you’re fighting Satan who loves to hate. It is much easier to wash hate out of yourself with love, You simply have to surrender (not fight) to God, who is love. Surrender to love and begin loving. Erode the enemies stronghold with love. Build a positive stronghold within yourself with love.

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    1. Yes. I really have to surrender everything to God, my hate, my loathing, even my guilt. I hate to do it somehow, seems like my hate is keeping me from really embracing my own individuality.

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  34. i remember a quote that says, “Those people who say they are bad are no worse than the rest of us; it is those people who say they are good that we should be wary of.”
    …the fact that you are aware of your bad means you are trying your best to make peace with it, just as we would face our demons head on and tame them. I’m glad i checked your blog, your words make me think 🙂

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      1. You will overcome it. I had faced my demons when I was fighting psychotic depression, long story but i am here and well..so trust me when i say you will overcome it.

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  36. There’s always a chance and there’s always a possibility of giving somebody another chance when they deserve it, especially when it’s you. You understand yourself best. This chance, it needs to come from you, from deep within. Because when you accept yourself for who you are, for better or for worse, you open doors of possibilities of having a satiated existence. :’)

    There is so much honesty in this piece of writing, it’s beautiful.🎀
    I hope you realise you always have a chance with yourself until the day you want it.🌼

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  37. Nice post! I think we all have our own demons, and especially in the worst of times, that’s all we’re able to see. Something we often can’t see is the good parts of ourselves and I think that’s something we all need to work on.

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    1. Yes. I need to dig deep within me, there’s something good buried somewhere in there, the goodness of forgiveness and letting go. Thank you so much for your comment. 🙂 How long have you been blogging? Do you have Twitter or IG account?

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  39. Facing that seemingly eternal “inner battle” is the beauty of being human – the truth of being flawed yet embracing that truth as passage for redemption is what makes the human spirit.
    You’re not alone in this battle, Steph.
    So brave of you to share your inner truth with us. Thumbs up!

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  40. My experience is that the self hatred is some kind of weird protection, also keeping hating and not foregiving means you havent fully accepted what happened and as long as you dont you will never find peace inside. That said it takes a lot of deep grief or a huge wake up call such as a tragedy or death of something to blow your ego out of the way. It doesnt happen for everyone and you never know when it will but at least you are owing how you feel and trying to face up to it. I am glad you writing about it and getting so much support from others online. Healing hugs to you. ❤ you are worthy of your own love, its the only thing that will free you.

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    1. Thank you so much for understanding my pain. I know, it’s been years, I have to move on, I have to stop letting this emotion repressed my judgment and character, but it’s been so hard for me, like, I don’t sit well with betrayal and I live with the consequences of other people’s sin and it’s just unfair.

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      1. IT IS!!! And rather than forgive too easily it makes some kind of sense to hold on. When I was in A A we were taught that people who do this kind of thing, hurting others and making them carry pain are spiritually and emotionally sick. So prayfor them or leave them to their turmoil but dont take it on by hating yourself as that is just too damaging for a beautiful caring soul such as you. ❤ ❤

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      3. I dont want to pressure you into forgiving as that would not be right but just remember they did terrible things that did affect you but if you can pray for the hurt to dissovle. You dont have to force forgiveness it should arise naturally as part of a process. Just dont harbour too many punishing thoughts ask for the grace to see things through the eyes of love, not that it is really my place to advise you. Hugs ❤

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      4. Yes. I have to pray about forgiveness, I talk to God, but I don’t ask Him to give me the strength to forgive because I know that I still don’t want to forgive. I drowned myself in anger and I’m barely keeping my head above water.

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      5. Well thats okay youll stay angry until you are done with anger and its burned out in my experience. Its just a suggestion but you can pray for the willingness to forgive not for abusers but for yourself. So you can swim again and no longer drown. 💙💜💙💜.

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  41. I think this is a view that’s not popular but pretty important:
    I usually dwell on the past. It does have a negative impact, like making me more pessimistic (Or realistic, considering I often fall into a black and white thinking). But I do so in order to learn as much as possible from past experiences. I would go over them again and again, using different angles and new experiences to interpret pass events, then came to valuable conclusions.
    Also, I think making peace with our demons is one of the most important achievement one can have. Being able to live morally requires an understanding also resignation to our own dark sides.

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      1. I’m from Taiwan. I moved to American in 2016. So I guess now I’m an alien located in the United States.

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      3. Less stress (Education). But not pleasant to live in because of the winter (Seasonal depression) and loneliness.

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      6. Where are you from?
        ps. I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m not an English speaker. You can probably tell it from the errors I make. 🙂

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  42. hate is awful. It is baggage. It is a concrete block around your neck. Forgiveness is not for those that betrayed you, it is to keep you from sinking to the bottom by lifting that block from around your neck. Forgive yourself, look in the mirror and focus on what you like and ignore what you don’t.
    Free yourself

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