la douleur exquise

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Nothing will ever change the truth: You don’t love me. You never did and you never will.

It’s all a complete lie that I created to hide from the miserable hell that I am in. It’s a lie I chose to believe in, overtime, I practically thought it was real. I am trapped inside a web of fabricated delusion, a false reality that I tried to repudiate for years.

I kept holding on to something that was never there. I had faith and it blinded me. It clouded my judgment. It ruined me because I thought I could change it.  I thought that if I keep believing, then maybe, somehow, it could be real; that maybe, you could love me too. Because I love you so much. I love you more than any person could love another. I love you more than love itself and I want you to see that. I just want you to see me.

I am so lonely, deep, deep down, in my troubled heart. I am so lonely, because my heart wants something that you can never give: a piece of your heart. Just a little space in your heart would be enough to console my longing. I am not happy. I was never happy, knowing that I could never have you, knowing that the only reason you stay is because you need me; you don’t have a choice; I am just someone you need to get you where you want to go, and my role ends there.

Is it wrong to love somebody this much?

16 thoughts on “la douleur exquise

  1. At some point in life, everyone loved someone more than they should have. And when you love someone more than anything, and when you’re blinded by love, you’ll end up hurt and heart broken

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  2. No Regazza it’s not wrong. But as crislud said as well it can be terrible hurtful. Love can lead to heartbreaking. But what are without love? I personally believe that we need to dare to love, no natter the consequences. Without love we are all lost and lonely. So dont ever stop loving, but be cautios, take care of yourself and be strong enough to recover when heartbreaking occurs.

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    1. Yes. Although your heart has been broken, it shouldn’t stop you from believing in love, love is the most wonderful thing that God has given us, and we have to work for it, we don’t need to beg for it, because in God’s perfect grace, Love will always find a way to heal and mend any broken heart.

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  3. I love this way.. a couple of years ago before love gripped me, I never had any intentions to fall in love or get married. I was full of myself and on top of my game. Felt like I knew exactly what to do with my life until.. it happened. Love shattered my life into innumerable particles of dust. I can never put pack what once was, I can only start over.. it tough.

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    1. Yeah. But Love is still magical, and it’s the best gift that God has ever bestowed upon mankind, and I will never lose hope on Love, even if sometimes it hurts too much like hell, we have to always believe in it, because it’s the best feeling in the world, an emotion that no one could ever quite comprehend.

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  4. What is true love? For years and years I thought that true love was when two people loved eachother more than anyone else in the world. But life happened and got in the way of that view. Not all our love is always returned. Sometimes it is, and we feel like the chosen ones, sometimes it is not and we feel like something is wrong. Is it not true that if we love another as much as we can that they will also love us back? Can we not love someone enough for the pair of us; “You do not need to love me, because I have a lifetime of love for the both of us.”? These questions drove me crazy, because the answer was consistenly no. It felt like therefore also my love was worth less. Because true love is reciprocated love right?

    Recently I have come to the conclusion that it is not the case. True love does not need to be reciprocated to be true. I can love someone with all my heart and everything I have got and even then, when they would not feel the same, it does not devalue my love for them. I would imagine saying to the other person: “My love for you is not dependent on your love for me. I will allow you to bathe in the love I have for you. You are allowed to feel loved by me, even if I will not feel loved by you, because that is what keeps me whole. I will give you my love without asking anything in return, because that will keep me sane and that will keep me going. And one day, I trust (I have to trust) someone will love me that much too”.

    ‘Is it wrong to love somebody this much?’. I guess we have no choice.

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    1. True love. I guess it’s everywhere, in every sincere person who we encounter everyday. For me, I’ve found my true love almost seven years ago, and I must say, it’ll only strike you once, just like lightning.

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      1. Well, I can’t know for sure, I can’t speak on behalf of the world’s population, you know, each of us have different representation of True Love, and I guess it varies, based on experience, years of being in a relationship with someone, or moving on from a screwed-up romance, different definition of Love and True Love. I guess, for me, I really hope that my lightning will last up until I take my last breath, I mean, my husband was my first Boyfriend, and I want it to stay that way.

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      2. Yes, I also think it varies from person to person. I was a bit confused by what you said before ‘I must say, it’ll only strike you once’, that was why I asked. How lovely to read about you and your husband 🙂

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