All About Daniel

Can you keep a secret?

I was thirteen years old when I fell in love with Daniel Jacob Radcliffe, an English actor, and a famous one at that – the boy who lived, the chosen one – yes, Harry Potter – need I say more? So, it wasn’t just an infatuation or a childish admiration for a popular celebrity. It wasn’t a crush; it was nothing simple. I practically adored him. I wasn’t just a typical fan. I wasn’t some girl who simply wanted to get his autograph or take a picture of him, or scream his name on my sleep. No, I was actually weirder than that.

I was captivated by him in the simplest way, it was so simple, yet I cannot describe it. It felt somehow ordinary and yet, my heart can’t find the perfect adjective that would suffice to limn how I felt for him. He was my inspiration. I was just a little girl, clueless about love and emotions, and he taught me how to feel, how to lose my heart’s control and believe that someday, he’d know that I exist, that I could be a part of his world.

His world and mine could not possibly meet, but that didn’t stop me from thinking about him, from practicing the exact words that I would use if we ever had a chance to know each other. I didn’t need to talk to him personally, as impossible and foolish as it may seem, I talked to him in my own way, in my own creative solace. I wrote about him, I wrote to him. Through my writings, I was able to tell him about me, that I exist, that there’s a girl on another part of the planet who loved him and cared for him. I introduced him to my world. We were two travelers, walking through different paths of uncertainties and puzzles, and I believed that someday, our paths will cross and together; we could create new journeys of love and possibilities.

Every day, for the past four years of my life, I wrote to him. I wrote a book for him – a story untold; a story no one could ever comprehend how profound and emotional; my own version of happiness and serendipity. It was a book about faith and hope for an impossible love; it was a book about the other side of the equation; it was a book of promise. My promise.

And then it was nothing. It became nothing.

One morning, I woke up, feeling more agitated than usual. I looked to the right side of my room and there they are: my addiction, my obsession – Daniel had a special place in my room, from the walls, to the ceiling, to the wide side table, in every photo album, in every HP memorabilia, in every wallpaper, in every diary I ever kept, in every stationery, in every note, in every notebook. He was everywhere to me. And he was in my heart. But that day, I decided to just get rid of my hopeless dream, my luckless romance. I realised that I wasn’t a kid anymore, and that I needed to dispose of every negative thing that would deter my growth as a person. And a normal person wouldn’t fall in love with a picture on the wall, or a character in a movie, because it’s never going to be real. And if it’s not real, what do I live for? A fantasy? I wasn’t going to lose my sight of the real world for something that would keep me from it.

So I took my book, lit a couple of match sticks, grabbed a large metal basin, threw the book and I watched as it got consumed by the mighty fire of awakening, the flames slowly tearing it apart, burning every word that I had ever conceived, perishing every letter, every line, every feeling, every emotion, until it became nothing. Just ashes. Just gray particles, lying there, waiting to be forgotten. I cried. I cried a lot.

It was my first heartbreak.

They say that if you truly love someone and you let them go, their memory will always haunt you and hurt you until you find someone who will replace the emptiness, but when I let go of Daniel, I felt better. I will always remember him, after all, he was the reason I wanted to be a writer. I wanted him to know that I was different, so I wrote a book for him. I wrote a version of the world where I could be with him; where we’re both just normal people and that we could also fall in love; a world where no one would be unfair; a world with Daniel. It was all about Daniel, but I let it go. I burned the book, not because I don’t believe in dreams anymore, or fate or destiny, but because I learned that I have a life too. And Daniel will never be a part of that life. I was meant to be alive, not to fantasize or be trapped in a dimension of chimeras and magic.

Life is a magical journey. We meet trolls and monsters along the way. We see chaos and giants. We feel butterflies and heartaches. Nothing is going to be easy. No one is going to be fair, but just be yourself. Believe.

la douleur exquise

Verum

Nothing will ever change the truth: You don’t love me. You never did and you never will.

It’s all a complete lie that I created to hide from the miserable hell that I am in. It’s a lie I chose to believe in, overtime, I practically thought it was real. I am trapped inside a web of fabricated delusion, a false reality that I tried to repudiate for years.

I kept holding on to something that was never there. I had faith and it blinded me. It clouded my judgment. It ruined me because I thought I could change it.  I thought that if I keep believing, then maybe, somehow, it could be real; that maybe, you could love me too. Because I love you so much. I love you more than any person could love another. I love you more than love itself and I want you to see that. I just want you to see me.

I am so lonely, deep, deep down, in my troubled heart. I am so lonely, because my heart wants something that you can never give: a piece of your heart. Just a little space in your heart would be enough to console my longing. I am not happy. I was never happy, knowing that I could never have you, knowing that the only reason you stay is because you need me; you don’t have a choice; I am just someone you need to get you where you want to go, and my role ends there.

Is it wrong to love somebody this much?